Spending The Night(S) With Cancer

Getting to bed early has been something my children have always done. Even as infants they knew that when the room reached it’s cool temperature and lights out, the one last step would be, Daddy and Mommy tucking them in snug with sweet sugars on smiling cheeks.
When she was here, somehow it made this part of the routine different. Seven has always been the usual time for my children to be well on their way to a peaceful sleep. Mother-N-Law though, after getting home from treatments, which was around five-ish, was always exhausted. She gave her best efforts to spend as much time with the kids, but with all that was and has been going on in her body, the cancer seem to get the better of her. By six o’clock she retired to the bed in hopes of rest and perhaps some ease from the pain. Trying my best to keep three kids entertained and yet as quite as a mouse had become failure. I gave myself motivational speeches in the bathroom mirror to keep myself from breaking down. There was no point in yelling at them. How could I? This would only add to my worries as well as risk the fact of waking her.
With a good bit of square footage between her room and the next adjoining rooms, her gasps for breath could be heard. Hard loud coughs rolled through the rooms. They seemed to seep through the cracks on either sides and from under the door. The children are clueless to the terrible circumstance that leaves Maw-Maw not so well. Before putting the kids to bed, I struggle with all the many thoughts that pop into my head. I worry about her pain, adding to the stress. At least with the ruckus that the kids put on, it drowns out the actuality of it all for a moment. Already there is such change physically, but if you are to ask her how she feels, a kind of crazy jumps from one eye to the other as tension fills the air. She replies with a simple, “ I’m good!” I doubt that this statement is true in the least. Night time use to be my paradise, my getaway time, now its become my Nightmare.
With each passing day the coughs get worse. The bitter tone, I realize is from her sore and scratchy throat. She chooses to eat alone; however, I encourage this. It’s too much for the children to understand, at this point it is anyways. Maw-Maw is not Maw-Maw anymore. She is full of hurt, but then, who can blame her right? We are all she has. It would be selfish to show her my tears, or any signs of weakness for that matter. Another truth is that there is no other her. How can I fight when she herself has given up? Barely no sleep at all, I hold the couch down making sure she is alright. When the coughing doesn’t wake her, the constant need to use the bathroom does. When she tempts herself to eat because of the hunger, It just comes back up. A Cat nap is all she ever gets anymore. As I am on my toes she does not rest, not even for 30 minutes at a time. Her pain, her sorrows, this is the only reason she keeps her eyes wide open at Night. I’m sure of it!

Are you alone in the Dark?

Sometimes late at night, it leaves much room for thought, especially if it was something that reflected the bad in day. Never let the sun go down on your anger. I say these words are wise, but sometimes I fail at doing so myself. It’s easy to get discouraged. It is easy to want to walk away. To want to help someone that don’t want to hear it and you in return lose the faith in none other than Christ who streghtened you this much in the first place. You see you can’t do something if you don’t try and if you don’t try then you are incomplete. For a couple who fully trusts in God and not turn to him in times of need, is dissaster. For without you, I am only a half of the two that are one. You can not go on and miss one single thing. Run to love that is sheltering you. Be demanding and open about what you feel as Christ hath laid out all the rules in the begining. Weither the harshness,but be it the truth. Let love lead the way and not pride. Forgive and forget even when it’s not your fault. Maybe it was and you just have not realized it yet. It has been my experience that when you have two people not willing to admit to a wrong,that’s when bigger problems arise and you are left in the DARK.