Spending The Night(S) With Cancer

Getting to bed early has been something my children have always done. Even as infants they knew that when the room reached it’s cool temperature and lights out, the one last step would be, Daddy and Mommy tucking them in snug with sweet sugars on smiling cheeks.
When she was here, somehow it made this part of the routine different. Seven has always been the usual time for my children to be well on their way to a peaceful sleep. Mother-N-Law though, after getting home from treatments, which was around five-ish, was always exhausted. She gave her best efforts to spend as much time with the kids, but with all that was and has been going on in her body, the cancer seem to get the better of her. By six o’clock she retired to the bed in hopes of rest and perhaps some ease from the pain. Trying my best to keep three kids entertained and yet as quite as a mouse had become failure. I gave myself motivational speeches in the bathroom mirror to keep myself from breaking down. There was no point in yelling at them. How could I? This would only add to my worries as well as risk the fact of waking her.
With a good bit of square footage between her room and the next adjoining rooms, her gasps for breath could be heard. Hard loud coughs rolled through the rooms. They seemed to seep through the cracks on either sides and from under the door. The children are clueless to the terrible circumstance that leaves Maw-Maw not so well. Before putting the kids to bed, I struggle with all the many thoughts that pop into my head. I worry about her pain, adding to the stress. At least with the ruckus that the kids put on, it drowns out the actuality of it all for a moment. Already there is such change physically, but if you are to ask her how she feels, a kind of crazy jumps from one eye to the other as tension fills the air. She replies with a simple, “ I’m good!” I doubt that this statement is true in the least. Night time use to be my paradise, my getaway time, now its become my Nightmare.
With each passing day the coughs get worse. The bitter tone, I realize is from her sore and scratchy throat. She chooses to eat alone; however, I encourage this. It’s too much for the children to understand, at this point it is anyways. Maw-Maw is not Maw-Maw anymore. She is full of hurt, but then, who can blame her right? We are all she has. It would be selfish to show her my tears, or any signs of weakness for that matter. Another truth is that there is no other her. How can I fight when she herself has given up? Barely no sleep at all, I hold the couch down making sure she is alright. When the coughing doesn’t wake her, the constant need to use the bathroom does. When she tempts herself to eat because of the hunger, It just comes back up. A Cat nap is all she ever gets anymore. As I am on my toes she does not rest, not even for 30 minutes at a time. Her pain, her sorrows, this is the only reason she keeps her eyes wide open at Night. I’m sure of it!

Are you alone in the Dark?

Sometimes late at night, it leaves much room for thought, especially if it was something that reflected the bad in day. Never let the sun go down on your anger. I say these words are wise, but sometimes I fail at doing so myself. It’s easy to get discouraged. It is easy to want to walk away. To want to help someone that don’t want to hear it and you in return lose the faith in none other than Christ who streghtened you this much in the first place. You see you can’t do something if you don’t try and if you don’t try then you are incomplete. For a couple who fully trusts in God and not turn to him in times of need, is dissaster. For without you, I am only a half of the two that are one. You can not go on and miss one single thing. Run to love that is sheltering you. Be demanding and open about what you feel as Christ hath laid out all the rules in the begining. Weither the harshness,but be it the truth. Let love lead the way and not pride. Forgive and forget even when it’s not your fault. Maybe it was and you just have not realized it yet. It has been my experience that when you have two people not willing to admit to a wrong,that’s when bigger problems arise and you are left in the DARK.

Full Moon

Most times you can just about tell what the moon looks like from the inside without looking out and seeing it directly,by the amount of light that is given off. The glow comes pouring in through the slightly opened drapes that cascade over the window. Reminiscing on the things that has consumed my day, I can rest now and prepare my mind and heart, when I sort of see it all in a new light. From the very beam coming in to befriend me, I never know what I am going to find within myself.
First, I'll take a moment to appreciate that this lesser light was created for me. Then, my guess as to what size it might be this very night, would be next. Finally, upon opening the door to reveal weither or not I have guessed the right answer, I take a peek.In spite of the results, I am always amazed.

Upon my routinely nights from lack of sleep, one might wonder if at all, have I put together a bite to eat. Well, my answer to this would be, “Do I ?” Ha-ha! Indeed I do. It doesn’t start out as me feeling as though I am starving to death; However, I do try to resist the urge at first. The more I seem to put off the crave of a late night snack, the more my hunger grows for something hardy to fill me. Besides leftovers, the main things easily accessible would be popcorn, chocolate, chips, and ah peanut butter. A junk food junkie’s dream also, your typical Insomniac’s one.Quite as a mouse, I make my run through the kitchen cabinets. As sly as a snake, I slither my fingers through the contents of the refrigerator. Always the first few ganders that I make hardly ever reveal anything. Back and forth, I find myself empty handed and in hopes of discovering something new during my inspection. Like a fairy and it’s magic dust, I start wishing things to appear that might satisfy my taste. With cooking out of the equation, the microwave becomes my means for survival.

Woe is Me

Heavy thoughts filled her head even as the baby lay crying. With a weaken smile she looked at him. Picking him up, slowly making way back to a lonely bed and tear filled eyes that she gazed upon. Her heart called out with no one there to hear. Eyes that were like a light bulb in a cold white ghostly room that made you wonder, how does it still shine on? Not knowing, without warning when it would suddenly go out as its flickering and swaying back and forth put shadows on the walls. The not so innocent person that she thinks she has become, it’s folding. It seems as though there is some connection with her feet leaving the floor and her head hitting the pillow. Looking into the calming baby's bright and soul grabbing eyes she is taken away.
The baby begins to smile, reaching for the soft face of his empty mother. Something changed in her as he did this. She could feel it. Her heart beats faster and faster. Then she brings herself to prayer. Her mind is open, her heart is aching, and her eyes gradually start to drift. "Wait! Who was that?" She wonders without saying a single word. "Did someone just call my name? Did I hear right?" It repeats a second time. Now, she clinches her eyes even tighter than before and prays. "GOD; I am ready for you to use me and speak to me, but I am not ready for this Lord. If you must call on me to speak to me I would much rather you do this in a dream. I just can not trust my mind." Broken down, she opens her eyes. The baby sleeping in her arms and the air from the fan above kissing her cheek gives her peace. Whatever this was that spoke to her was not evil, but still she wondered if maybe she is going a little crazy. She awakes to an early afternoon and a late morning. Tear stained eyes from her night and no memory from any dream. Again she prays.
Makes you think if all your days are good do we call on God like we should? Yet, when our days are to the dumps we overflow him with our prayers. Regardless of what we think, we always need him. He is standing at the door all we have to do is open it. Evening is here with a full house, still she feels alone. Coolness of the room sends chills up her bare neck so small. All the things she has learned of Jesus start weighing in on her. Questions arise just as quick an answer follows. Rambling on, repeating the night over in her head. She must be slipping down a pathway to insanity. She starts playing with her hair she has pulled up so tight. Freeing herself as her on coming thoughts cripple her body. Realizing how vulnerable she must be, a ringing noise from a movie that had been going on in the background of her thoughts captures her. Like a sign it appears. God Is Truth!
From going to and fro in the earth and walking up and down in it, with all that I hold inside, I'm casting out my wearied soul. For, He is perfect in a land that is spoiled. If I'm going to do it right, living life lies within me reaching out to You. You help me to reach pass the clouds to get to heaven. I keep looking up for answers I seek, when all along they're right in front of me. A loving fear to a man who first loved me? Woe is me now... From the beginning You created me. From the beginning of time You made me believe. From the moment You gave me breath an awesome love You have for me. Although, he is seated at the throne there won't be calming until after the storm. The whole land will bow. You have me on my knees. Lord you are King! Just like that I have fulfilled my destiny.

My journey into the night starts much like everyone else’s. A long day of work, anticipating on the much needed rest by night. As most of the world begins to unwind and slowly drift to their beds that have been calling them, even before leaving to start the new day; by night, my intensity begins. If we are calling it that.

I always start with just laying there in hopes of falling fast asleep into the night and in the cozy comforts of a king sized bed. Warm milk, listening to easy mellows, as with counting sheep along with other things in the room, that call out to such an extent that your eyes adjust to the darkness. Soon, I am up and out of the bed . My feet hit the bitter floor with eyes wide open, heart racing , I begin to search for things to fill up the night.

House cleaning is out of the question, not because it’s something I don’t want to do or hate doing, but because of fear of waking everyone else in the house up. The whole house stays pretty dark with just a little light beaming from the computer that is placed on a handcrafted computer desk with a glossy finish. Highlights of the red and yellow cedar desktop come together while the desk itself stands tall and proudly reflecting the stream of light from the monitor. The higher the light the more it illuminates the room.Amongst this light, I create myself a world which I call Mommy’s Escape or Mommy Time.

For someone with no television, I am forced to use all the knowledge I have gathered over the sequence of my lifetime to create this world. Whether this information comes from childhood misfortunes, school, newspapers, programming from which at one point there was a television present, word of mouth and or reading. An endless reserve to sort out through the night. For my days, it is much too hard to just let my mind flow in such a manor with children running from one end to the other. However, with the kiddos bathed and off to a dreamy land, I can become simple again.

Insomnia is the least of my worries with much alone time ahead of me. I use this time for constructional purposes rather than letting it get the best of me. While I occupy my mind, the time tends to do what it has always done and that is to get away. I am then forced to leave behind this peaceful dwelling that has accompanied me. It is as though you’re the made up character in novel who’s story is to be continued. Until you get sleepy of course.

Like a time bomb my lids cover my weakened eyes. In an instant my body seems to carry itself to the welcoming bed. Staggering that has a feel of occasional floating to make my way down the never ending hallway, I am almost certain that I have already started the dreaming process. Little time to sleep you can almost smell the coffee as you imagine it.